Apollo

I live in a world of my imagination.

I have always lived in a world of my imagination. I suspect that I will continue to do this whether I know it or not.

When I was a little kid, I drew out maps of entire worlds, Mililac, a land of beauty and prosperity, Krall, a dictatorship of cruelty and misery (as a Russian emigrant, I think I know where I sourced this narrative...), Tiger's Isle.

I had a one-on-one chat with compassionate author Edward Mannix today. In which, I connected and emphasized with my inner child. Really, I had to pretend that my 8 year old self was in front of me, and to talk to her. The rule was, when talking to children: you never deny their feelings. Even if you think its silly. Express empathy and understand.

For example: if a child says, "I think my brother doesn't love me".

Instead of responding "Your brother loves you" (e.g. denying their reality), say, "I'm sorry you feel like a loser".

(On a side note, I remember getting fed up one day in elementary school, and going to visit the guidance counselor. I told her, "I don't have any friends". 

-She says, "hold out your hands, and count off the names of your friends". 

-I lift up my fingers and go, "Jenny, Mike, Gerard, Kathy....". 
-She goes, "See, you do have friends. Now go along now". 
Guidance counselor fail.)

Anyway, while having a conversation with my 8 year old self, I realized, "Wow, when I was 8 years old, I felt totally out of place. I thought the school system was a competitive bore, I made it through middle school without any effort, and read books underneath my desk. I did not understand getting points deducted for not having my books covered. I lived in a land of imagination. I believed I could make things happen with my mind. I wanted love and approval from everyone, and I cared an awful lot."

And then I realized, "...and I'm still that person".

Sure I've gotten older and more mature and a master of intense emotion and deliberate reaction, but, the point remains, I'm still that kid. I could choose to deny, or repress, or ignore all of my imaginative elements: but regardless,  I entered the world as that being, and I am the continuity of that consciousness and being.  

So when I'm in savasanah, and having a truly marvelous conversation with Apollo....

That's my experience/perception/reality. That's how I be.

cleanse/fast/thing-y

I am so. so. so. glad that is over.

Just finished the master cleanse. Ten challenging days. Ten depths-of your soul, fear blazing inspirational instensy. Amusingly enough, it reminded me of the process of the koshas.

Pre-cleanse, days 1-3, the physical exhaustion and strain sets in, the physical longing for comfort, for food.

Days 3-5, energy shut down. Too tired to run or hit the beach, no intense vinyasa. I walk pretty much everywhere I go now. Normally a privilege, suddenly a horror and a burden.  Every detour, every missed bus, every extra half hour of walking turned tricky.

Amusingly enough, for the first time in my life, I could spend hours sitting, at a computer even. Can't say I got much done, but my concentration was truly impeccable. Now that orange-peach nectar is coursing through my body like wild, all I want to do is dance again ; )

Days 6, drunken monkey brain. mental bonanza. searching aimlessly for answers amongst things I already know, re-exploring closed option after after option. drunken, anxious monkey.

Days 7, emotional deprivation: crazy longing for emotional comfort. Hunger is everything. It really is. At that point of being so, so hungry, you start to feel so, so, terribly empty. And people feel like this. All over the world. No human was placed on this earth to feel this longing.

Days 8, tricky during the day but really fun at night. I was having a conversation at Yohei's with a few friends, and suddenly I realize that everything is teaching me something about myself, and my family, and where I'm from, and where everyone else is from, and the evolution of our society...
"Guys...." I say, hesitantly, "this may sound a bit odd, but I think I'm tripping."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, so if I don't sound super present.....it's cos I'm not".

Day 9, day 9 was so beautiful it deserves its own little pocket in my internet life, so I'll write about it afterways. Bliss body. Total wisdom.

Day 10, wow that was wild. proud of surviving that. can't wait to eat : )

Post-cleanse, Day 1: Up at 7AM. Suddenly, I have become a morning person. I've learned the power of orange juice : )

Dude, I am so jittery. Fruit feels so good.