Take me back to burningman.
The event was so beautiful, so profound and transformational, that is it downright traumatic. It is impossible to return to "real life", real life seems pale in comparison, slow and dreamlike. The intensity of experience is so difficult to match. I expected this trouble, I scheduled a cleanse right after I got back, though I only made it through 6 days of it. I want experiences that tear at my heartstrings the way that this one did.
Thursday, the 1st, I said goodbye to Kimi and Dan right at sunset at the edge of the inner playa. I knew only one thing: that I had to make it to the temple, somehow, and kneel, just sit down. I rode my bike down the esplanade with the outline of the white temple's construction growing larger in my mind against the sunset.
I felt that I was on an epic pilgramage, a hajj, that the temple contained something....that it was representative of a space in mind where my own secrets were stored. Perhaps if I could create the physical representation, I could enter the mental realm. If in your mind there was a room called "temple", what would it contain? That's what I'm looking for.
As I arrive, I hear surreal and seraphic sounds notes from the entrance. A gigantic harp, the string anchored one end to the raised font entrance, and on the other end to the top of the temple, is being tuned in a man with leather gloved to protect his fingers from the strings. In a few moments, he breaks into a familiar and grandeur classical piece. I'm torn between my sublime experience and this strange inner voice that begs me to sit down. And so I do.
Immediately, I'm overcome with fear and separation. I see all the people ten feet away standing to salute the harp, and here I am sitting in the dirt. I don't want to die. I don't want to be separated. I am here, sitting in the dirt, listening to just how terrified I am to be alive. Intensely shocked I am to contemplate my transient condition. I feel fear in my heart, and I move to get up, then sit back down and breath through it. I feel fear in my belly, I feel fear blindsight my mind.
I had faith that once the fear passed, because fear was a feeling, it would go away, I would have a breakthrough. I would understand. I kept waiting, feeling fear quicken my heartrate, watching every inhale and exhale. I felt fear vibrating at the bottom of my spine. I thought it was impossible to want to get up any more than I did. Until the fear went away.
And it was worse: frustration. As the next wave of emotion hit, I started breaking into tears of anguish, a lack of understanding flooding my mind. There was no knowledge, behind the fear, there was nothing but anger. The same sensation I experienced as a child looking at a difficult math problem and wondering why I didn't understand, why I wasn't smart enough, and then feeling that frustration...that was exactly the experience I had at the temple.
This meditation took hours, I finally chose to get water, deciding that I've learned enough from my experience this time around. I get up and I look for my backpack, and it's a bit dark by now. Then I see an object, in the space where my backpack was, covered in glowsticks. My backpack covered in glowsticks.
Kimi Giles *glow-sticked my back pack* so I would be able to find it in the dark. I should mention that at this point, I've been crying ever since the frustration hit. I began crying three times as hard, out of pure gratitude. Then, I see Kimi's backpack, and I realize that she is here! Kimi and Dan are both here, they came to the temple to find me. I cry "Kimi" out loud, and a girl next to me says "she's over there". I don't know how she knew but...thank you...
At this point I realize that everyone around me has formed a circle, and that there is a woman in the center, that is attempting to create a space for a ceremony. And I realize, that, if I had not gotten up at the exact moment that I did, she would have had to asked me to leave. Or maybe not. But I think it's pretty magical how she held the space and how I, after hours of telling myself not to get up, chose that moment. I go to her, blubbering an apology and accepting the "don't worry". She is conducting a workshop on self-empowerment. I ask how I can help. She says she's just asking people to form in a circle around her.
I decide to worry about finding Dan and Kimi later, and I watch the ceremony unfold.
She holds up a red scarf and says, "This is the dragon. These are our fears. Today we are going to conquer our demons, the things that hold us back". Two people place their hands together forming an arch, and two more hold up the scarf.
I am so excited, thinking, ah, I am going to let go of my fear! Well, guess what? I am not so special. The very first person that walks through that gateway says "I let go of my fear".
One by one, "I let go of self-blame". "I let go of self-loathing", "I let go of my judgments". By this point, Dan and Kimi have met up. Dan walks through the gateway and yells, "I don't need anything from anybody". Kimi goes through and says "I am letting go of my need to hold on!". I walk through and say "I conquer my fear of death". I'm overwhelmed by a need to hug the conductor of ceremonies, and then she looks at me and says "stand strong on your feet". I know what that means- through yoga- I remember watching how Shiva Rea stood...wide stance, bent knees, tailbone tucked...I remember imitating that and noticing how my worries went away. I sob thank you.
Crying, I am so overwhelmed by the waves and waves of empathy as I watch people walk through. Empathy over-dose. Seriously, did you hear about that girl who OD'd on empathy?
An arm reaches around me and I turn around to see a fleeting glimpse of a handsome face. "Thank you", I say, as I'm pulled into someone's embrace. I keep watching the ceremony, and as fewer people walk up, our conductor says "Is there anyone else?" A few people, and then no one. "Seriously, last call". Allright. She closes off with a speech about how burningman is a rite of passage, and how it brings us into a more empowered self. Then she says she wants everyone to roar when she raises her wand (can you imagine doing something like that! I would be terrified that no one would do it!). She raises her wand and everyone ROARS. It feels like the entire temple.
I turn around, and I'm eye to eye with this person who had put his arm around me. We stare at each other for a while, and begin an apprehensive non-verbal interaction, culminating in a kiss.
So that's one of my nights at burningman: hours of meditation attempting to face my fear, the world illuminating in a perfect ceremony for that exact thing, and snogging a stranger . The experience was strange, to say the least.
The event was so beautiful, so profound and transformational, that is it downright traumatic. It is impossible to return to "real life", real life seems pale in comparison, slow and dreamlike. The intensity of experience is so difficult to match. I expected this trouble, I scheduled a cleanse right after I got back, though I only made it through 6 days of it. I want experiences that tear at my heartstrings the way that this one did.
Thursday, the 1st, I said goodbye to Kimi and Dan right at sunset at the edge of the inner playa. I knew only one thing: that I had to make it to the temple, somehow, and kneel, just sit down. I rode my bike down the esplanade with the outline of the white temple's construction growing larger in my mind against the sunset.
I felt that I was on an epic pilgramage, a hajj, that the temple contained something....that it was representative of a space in mind where my own secrets were stored. Perhaps if I could create the physical representation, I could enter the mental realm. If in your mind there was a room called "temple", what would it contain? That's what I'm looking for.
As I arrive, I hear surreal and seraphic sounds notes from the entrance. A gigantic harp, the string anchored one end to the raised font entrance, and on the other end to the top of the temple, is being tuned in a man with leather gloved to protect his fingers from the strings. In a few moments, he breaks into a familiar and grandeur classical piece. I'm torn between my sublime experience and this strange inner voice that begs me to sit down. And so I do.
Immediately, I'm overcome with fear and separation. I see all the people ten feet away standing to salute the harp, and here I am sitting in the dirt. I don't want to die. I don't want to be separated. I am here, sitting in the dirt, listening to just how terrified I am to be alive. Intensely shocked I am to contemplate my transient condition. I feel fear in my heart, and I move to get up, then sit back down and breath through it. I feel fear in my belly, I feel fear blindsight my mind.
I had faith that once the fear passed, because fear was a feeling, it would go away, I would have a breakthrough. I would understand. I kept waiting, feeling fear quicken my heartrate, watching every inhale and exhale. I felt fear vibrating at the bottom of my spine. I thought it was impossible to want to get up any more than I did. Until the fear went away.
And it was worse: frustration. As the next wave of emotion hit, I started breaking into tears of anguish, a lack of understanding flooding my mind. There was no knowledge, behind the fear, there was nothing but anger. The same sensation I experienced as a child looking at a difficult math problem and wondering why I didn't understand, why I wasn't smart enough, and then feeling that frustration...that was exactly the experience I had at the temple.
This meditation took hours, I finally chose to get water, deciding that I've learned enough from my experience this time around. I get up and I look for my backpack, and it's a bit dark by now. Then I see an object, in the space where my backpack was, covered in glowsticks. My backpack covered in glowsticks.
Kimi Giles *glow-sticked my back pack* so I would be able to find it in the dark. I should mention that at this point, I've been crying ever since the frustration hit. I began crying three times as hard, out of pure gratitude. Then, I see Kimi's backpack, and I realize that she is here! Kimi and Dan are both here, they came to the temple to find me. I cry "Kimi" out loud, and a girl next to me says "she's over there". I don't know how she knew but...thank you...
At this point I realize that everyone around me has formed a circle, and that there is a woman in the center, that is attempting to create a space for a ceremony. And I realize, that, if I had not gotten up at the exact moment that I did, she would have had to asked me to leave. Or maybe not. But I think it's pretty magical how she held the space and how I, after hours of telling myself not to get up, chose that moment. I go to her, blubbering an apology and accepting the "don't worry". She is conducting a workshop on self-empowerment. I ask how I can help. She says she's just asking people to form in a circle around her.
I decide to worry about finding Dan and Kimi later, and I watch the ceremony unfold.
She holds up a red scarf and says, "This is the dragon. These are our fears. Today we are going to conquer our demons, the things that hold us back". Two people place their hands together forming an arch, and two more hold up the scarf.
I am so excited, thinking, ah, I am going to let go of my fear! Well, guess what? I am not so special. The very first person that walks through that gateway says "I let go of my fear".
One by one, "I let go of self-blame". "I let go of self-loathing", "I let go of my judgments". By this point, Dan and Kimi have met up. Dan walks through the gateway and yells, "I don't need anything from anybody". Kimi goes through and says "I am letting go of my need to hold on!". I walk through and say "I conquer my fear of death". I'm overwhelmed by a need to hug the conductor of ceremonies, and then she looks at me and says "stand strong on your feet". I know what that means- through yoga- I remember watching how Shiva Rea stood...wide stance, bent knees, tailbone tucked...I remember imitating that and noticing how my worries went away. I sob thank you.
Crying, I am so overwhelmed by the waves and waves of empathy as I watch people walk through. Empathy over-dose. Seriously, did you hear about that girl who OD'd on empathy?
An arm reaches around me and I turn around to see a fleeting glimpse of a handsome face. "Thank you", I say, as I'm pulled into someone's embrace. I keep watching the ceremony, and as fewer people walk up, our conductor says "Is there anyone else?" A few people, and then no one. "Seriously, last call". Allright. She closes off with a speech about how burningman is a rite of passage, and how it brings us into a more empowered self. Then she says she wants everyone to roar when she raises her wand (can you imagine doing something like that! I would be terrified that no one would do it!). She raises her wand and everyone ROARS. It feels like the entire temple.
I turn around, and I'm eye to eye with this person who had put his arm around me. We stare at each other for a while, and begin an apprehensive non-verbal interaction, culminating in a kiss.
So that's one of my nights at burningman: hours of meditation attempting to face my fear, the world illuminating in a perfect ceremony for that exact thing, and snogging a stranger . The experience was strange, to say the least.
