Death/Rebirth

Last summer, I was playing with medicine cards in our hippie hamptons home. Each person pulls a card out of the deck, and it really is an entertaining and bonding experience to share this with others.

Well, I pulled out "The Bat", which is a symbol of death/rebirth. Lauren (my college roommate and tribal core) was particularly enthusiastic of this choice for me, pointing out that it suits me well.

I go through a fairly dramatic death/rebirth cycle.....um, once a year? twice a year? twice a month? well, with some frequency.

It's usually characterized by a period of panic in which I realize that the life that I'm leading isn't a truly authentic choice. That is, I am not acting like the mortal and timely being I am, in which each moment is precious and there is not a single one to waste.

So now I live in Venice, and I nervously type this across the attractive photographer/ motorcyclist sitting in front of me. It's a fascinating state of writing where, instead of getting caught up in the page, I feel more present in the situation as the words flow out of me. There's less mind to it. It's like Thich Nhat Han says, I am writing, but I am not suffering.

This way of self-expressing is something I've been seeking in various stages of intensity through college and in particular, the past few months. And Andres Salcedo's classes have been helping.

It's the Kirtan.

I swear it is.

I asked Shiva, what can I do for fifth chakra blockages, what asana, but to no avail: just chanting, she says. Anything else, I ask? You can kind of bring your fingers up and away from your throat as you chant, she shows me.

But basically, chant.

I had a panic attack tonight. I thought that was a new york thing. (nope). Thought it was a childhood thing (nope).

For those who haven't had a panic attack, it's a succession rapid heart beat and downright pain in your chest. A subtle, empty, sore pain.

Mind goes nuts. Mind sounds like this:

"I'm so scared to try and fail. I don't think I can do it. I don't think my best is good enough. I don't know when I made that decision, but I don't think my best is good enough anymore. Oh man....

And then...

"I want to be loved so much. When did this arise? Oh my god, I want to be loved SO much. This was never my thing, this was always someone else's thing. And now it's my thing- wtf?

And the kicker....

"What if I die, having never created anything significant or meaningful. What if I fucking die, never having created anything significant?"

So, I'm hanging out on my back in a restorative heart opener, pounding my chest- probably not as wise a choice as a forward fold, but at this point I was so fascinated by my panic, that I wanted to explore it just as much as I wanted it to go away.

The moral of the story is that it turned out just dandy all over, and quite joyous as well.

Shiva and the Nagas

"It's hard to explain this process to other people," Shiva said, "you just meditate. with snakes".

For four hours.

Giant boa constrictors giving you the best hug you've ever gotten- and they really do go to the spaces you need the most help with. Wrap around your throat, your lower back. It feels amazing.

You can feel every muscle in their body move. In unison.

You can hear them breathe.

Little baby nagas curl around your wrist, charmed.

Shai Rotem, the snake 'tamer' per say, has such benevolent, loving presence, which he must carry to each animal he comes into contact with (including humans, I think).

I was rapt with enthusiasm at the thought of snakes crawling all over me. The experience was even better.

I want a snake SO bad. They are marvelously grounding- creating such an intense calm. If I had a snake, you know I'd be a better writer. You know I'd be a better student, a better worker.

I will have a snake by September 2011.

Maybe by my birthday ; )

Switching Coasts.

New Coast. (West once)

So, a few notes from the last one (East one)...

-Saying goodbye to Ryan was the saddest moment. I really, really, really hope he'll continue his yoga practice- and I'll hold him accountable for a while. Knowing how pure his heart is and how honest he is, I know that if he says he will, he will. But I've never had such a profound relationship with a student before- being so young and new myself, it was a mindblowing honor to be able to make a difference in someone's life like that. To watch someone's eyes lit up, and their posture change over time. Man.

-On my way from Massachusetts to NYC to say goodbye-for-now, I had a spontaneous 3 AM circle-chakra-class in Westchester. Best Class Ever. I used the sequencing from the Chakra Namaskar to create a practice that was appropriate for the time frame, and my fellow yogi Pat followed it up with Pranayama. Thank you, Fifth Nation. Practicing with you guys is incredible.

It made me think about how influenced I was from my Chakra Namaskar training earlier. What's interesting is that at the time I saw it as mythology. Ok, this makes sense, this an interesting system, it's a fun practice. Cool.

But it didn't sink in till later. It wasn't until later- weeks later- that I started using the chakras as alchemy, I started thinking in terms of elements. I would suddenly say sentences as "I need to incorporate more space, and a bit more flowing into this moment," or "it seems that you have a lot of fire happening right now, you may need to balance it with some heart openers so that energy is going in the right direction...". Hmm, I wonder where those came from.

And then my practice...complete shift. Every practice became some version of kundalini awakening, some version of chakra namaskar. I started toying with this after Jacqui's class, but now even more so, there was so much more intentionality in my sequencing. I had all these absurdly useful tools in my toolbox, and they worked. These chakras, although not physically present as "wheels" in the body, allowed me to map out the territory so I can change it....add more grounding, more flowing, more expression....

"....important characteristics of maps should be noted. A map is not the territory it represents, but, if correct, it has a similar structure to the territory, which account for its usefulness...."
A. Korzybski, Science & Sanity, 4th Ed., 1958, p.58-60.

How being Grounded changes Reality

How being Grounded changes your Reality

The thing I took most out of Shiva's training was the way she stood, wide stance about two feet apart. Knees bent and hips flowing, tail tucked and heart opened. The kind of fluid style she taught encouraged the creation of that type of posture, dynamic, more than the creation of a rigid seat. This way, it was yoga for creating states of being, than yoga for creating a perspective.

Yes, it comes out of an ultimate awareness that truly there is only the viewer. In fact, that is the essence that is achieved through the meditation. It just puts in the new dimension of motion. As you move, you get constant feedback. This is true for standing still as well, you get different flows of molecules moving through you, but as you are the mover through these different lightbeams and energy pools (my new age-y metaphors are getting a hold on me, my apologies), you are having different experiences, you are living through different worlds.

So it turns out that the world lived in with legs further apart, knees slightly bent and shifting the weight from one leg to another to find balance...well, it turns out that's an incredibly wonderful world to live in. It didn't begin to hit me until right after the training.

Now, the training itself was ridiculously fun and wonderful. I learned a lot, I got a very interesting and earnest perspective, one that was down to earth and presented in an empathetic and effective manner. I connected with Shiva, particularly when she mentioned her parents' lack of approval of her wanting to be a teacher. I admired the way she treated people, I felt that she was really searching to connect with us all. There was humility and modesty right alongside complete confidence being great. Not being scared to be wonderful critized, or to be admired is phenomenal. Also...Shiva is proud to be the first customer of my raw ashwaganda and maca chocolates! This inspired the name of my new blog, ps: monaandcacao.wordpress.com.

During the trainings I was impressed, but I didn't know how deeply they had hit me until I was fully relaxed and realized I was changing my behavior, all the time, based upon what I had learned. I didn't realize how much it had effected me until afterwards. I stand differently (in my physical body), I feel differently (based on my posture, I am in a different emotional body), and the way I think about reality has fundamentally changed. Additionally I do think I've experienced a slight shift in consciousness, but I always like to think my current self is more enlightened than my past self. It's the intellectual masturbation of the day.