Colleen Saidman's Retreat (Preliminary Thoughts)

Everyone makes me nervous, which is unfair because it's not really their fault.

I just spent 48 hours sweating knee to knee with 36 women- brilliant, bright and insightful, talented and accomplished. I didn't expect that. Perfectly aware of my mistakes in misogyny, I've always seen women of a certain age as unapproachable, alienating. Perhaps I expect them all to disapprove of me, or to frown at the contents of my purse.

There was this funny moment walking down to the retreat when I walked out of my room wearing a bikini and a towel, not thinking too much. Two steps away sits Tracy, who looks at me and says, "Oh good, I think I'll change into what you're wearing if it's ok". She was wearing pants and a t-shirt. I panic, and say, "Uh, well, I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe its not appropriate. Actually, I'm going to go change."

"Oh, I'm sure you're fine"
"Well, just in case..."
"Ok, then. I'll meet you down there".

I run and cover myself up with shorts and a t-shirt, and head back towards the sweatlodge. Suddenly I had this terrible realization:

Oh, shit. I just made a being less free.
.....how did I just have that interaction end with both of us wearing more clothes.
(Natti would kill me right now).

So I continue on to the sweatlodge, and there are all my "respectable" women hanging out in bikinis, "See, you had nothing to worry about," says Tracy.

I attempt to apologize to her, but she dismissed it with a smile- which didn't really offer me the dramatic catharsis I was looking for, but that's quite a lot to ask of a person.

The lodge itself was incredible, hearing the individual voices of these suddenly deep and personified people telling stories, singing songs, the rich history imbued in a simple name. Colleen got dropped the million dollar question by the conductor of the sweat lodge ceremony. A solid, fat, molasses voice begging for humor, with a deep respect for his culture and quite the busy schedule. Colleen began with "Yoga is the clearing of the channels that enables us to be with our highest self", and continued to say something eloquent along the lines of putting the body in poses to clear blockages and open space, living with impermanence and coming into the present moment, paying attention to generate love. Not to make excuses, but I'm afraid one's memory suffers in hundred-degree heat.

The theme of the retreat was coming to terms with death and dying, offering our prayers to Kali and burning what has been to make space for our intention. Besides my existentialism teacher Jean Graybeal, Lanny Harrison and mythical (as in, writing) characters, Colleen's one of the only people I've met to discuss death with such frankness and honesty, and it's quite a relief. More on that later.