Cataclysmic Spasms of Growth

I'm into very specific hugs recently. Slow, close hugs when you can feel someone heart against yours. Hugs that take multiple breaths, and you can feel every one.

It's a more thorough expression than verbose stumbling stutter, so often taken awry.

Kimi's starting to pick up the habit. Watch me be physical, she jokes. And she gives such great hugs.

I've been into clarity. “Appreciating the finer aspects of sobriety”, said a dude to me many years ago, the same guy who offered my first toke. Thanks to facebook, I know is now biking through Mexico, sustaining multiple adventure-related injuries and reletivity few showers. I bet he'd crack up in hysterics if he read this now.

My mind comes back to people who embody their dreams, reminding me in the distance of my own. A gentle reminder to focus in, or at least, that's how I choose to take it in.

I've been into sweaty workouts and lingering yoga practices. When crunched on time, I'll go deeper with a half hour of cardio, flushed like embarassed, then drop down to an hour of yin. My navel seems attached to my low ribs now, and I really like it like that.

Andres said my favorite thing he's ever said today. He said that every spiritual practice, essentially distills down to a few questions. “Who am I? How do I live a meaningful life? How can I live in accordance with truth? How can I live and act out of love? And, what the fuck?”

Note; I am probably butchering all the questions but the last. They were very meaningful queries on identity and impact, but sometimes I mess stuff up.

I took his Dark Side of the Moon practice, and I wish I could write about it, but I couldn't even find my shoes after it.

I could not find my shoes. And they were in my bag. Emily found them for me.

That's a sign of a really good yoga practice, a negligent human, or both.

It was absolutely incredible. I would take it again, twice, in a heartbeat.

I've been into chanting. Between Paul's intro to landmark and speaking my shame and dreams to a hundred people, and hare ram, I'm starting to break through the throat chakra block. I'd like to express what I believe, the paradoxical fragility and strength in that belief, and my desire to help. Truly.

What else has been new?

I spent Thursday afternoon in meditation with my mentor, feeling far too much around me. One of the things I appreciate about Arthur is that he really gets my confusion, my dismay of humanity's actions as a whole.

Sometimes I feel so responsible.

As if I did it. As if I killed billions.

And in a way, sometimes I think I did.

Isn't it the same self-hate that's at work, at a larger scale? That capacity for disgust, for anger...

And when I don't over come those emotions in myself with love, is it not a reflection on humanity's greater inability to live peacefully.

I am hard on myself sometimes. Then I'm hard on myself for being so hard on myself. And so on and so forth. It's a fairly common conundrum, and I hope I'm breathing myself free of it, or it seems to be that way.