We are all unaware of most of what affects us, and in this mysterium we don't know how to be.

Because I think you can be healed. It is not that they you are not strong enough, or smart enough or logical enough to act better.

We have all patterned some painful ways to cope. We sometimes feed the things that hurt us, because they loudly beg for attention.

It is not because you are weak, needy or insecure.
We all have sick, potholed pathways in our minds, these negative trenches in our bodies. It takes a lot of help to build new roads.

It is not because people don't care enough or don't love enough.
These words forget that we are growing, painfully stretching into our form, learning to walk and stepping on each others toes.

It is not because you are hopelessly anxious or paranoid.
We live in a complicated world where so many have been hurt in the harshest of ways. Memory can be hard to step away from.

It is not because all options point to abyss.
When we hit the base of our heartstrings, it is hard to see a way out. A world with meaning seems far away, but much closer than we can imagine.

It is not because you are an addict.
It takes time and work and a healing village to build light. The change is slippery at first and comes in waves- sometimes you fall, need more support

When I was younger, I wanted to go into defense law. I was very good at defending people, I believed in this core innocence and I wanted to prove it. And it's still a noble pursuit, but I've found myself more specific. The majority of people do not need defending from a court. They need defending from themselves, from their greatest fears and doubts and self-loathing. From these elements that make up all humans, our dark sides that we run away from.

We live in with world of abuse, trauma and disorder. Our shadows plague us with pain and addiction, stress and worry.

When the greatest threat is the angry voice inside one's own head, teaching someone to accept and befriend themselves is the most formidable task of all.

But it is not because we are flawed. Yes, we have unworkable structures in our minds, yes, energy blockages in our bodies. Yet at our core is awareness and choice, and it is stronger than any paradigm.

We have opened the pandora's box of consciousness. Got hit with the responsibility of creating our own lives, and the difficulty there in. There's work to be done. 

Flat out Feminist

Today I learned, I see women as marginalized beings.

To the extent that I am a rotating sphere mirror of all around me, scampering for consciousness and control of what circulates. And I've been orbiting in misogyny a while.

I disrespect them. I classify them into categories; the thick maternal figure (with no adventures of her own), the angelic waif (with no earthly concerns), the aggressive business woman (poor in compassion), the old knitting grandmother (snoozing on a pillow) or the frigid housewife (projecting her pain).

These people are not full and complete. They are part and portioned. Simply put, being a women seemed like more pain, responsibility, and trouble. Didn't seem like much fun.

I do not appreciate being female. I take issue with it. In my youth, the people I identified with most were mostly male. I rarely saw women that I wanted to be.

It was as if, in order to come into a full expression of my being, I need to become a person who happened to be female. I could not become a women, in my mind, because women were lacking in options.

Lucidity changed that. It may have started with Ruby, and others, calling me goddess. Goddess is a pretty empowering term. Goddesses can be anything, really.

I saw an acrobats I could not stop staring out for her splendor. She had curly hair, I think she was a size 6. I saw tiny caring women who wanted to feed the world, and businessmen that dressed up like wonderwoman. I saw yoga teachers who were scientists with navel rings, mothers who took their kids to music festivals. Brilliant women of all ages and walks of life, consciously embodying their true self.

...and to see about 1500 of that was pretty intense. People were treating each other as equals. It was pretty damn cool.

Studio U Pilates

I walked out with a tight coil in my belly, feeling fully alive and radiant.

This is my core. This is what I feel like when I'm power.

Debbie's class is like no other Pilates class I've experienced. Rooted in intelligence and specificity, it brings about profound, lasting change from within. This is no hour-long pump go-go routine. This is a brilliant change that Debbie creates within you. As she teaches, she is aware of every body part of each student. It's as if she has a barometer of muscular activation: she can tell exactly when you're fully present, and when you're not feeling the pull of an activity.

Debbie also identified exactly what muscular "crutches" I'm using that are keeping me away from an activated core. She showed me how to tuck my hips (I was always putting them in the wrong direction) and curl up my lower belly muscles. She showed me how to link together my upper abs like "zipping up a corset".

Studio U requires the focus and attention of a strong yoga practice, and it's making me think about fitness in a new way. I think that when I am "feeling the burn" of an ab exercise, that it's actually translating to flatter abs. But when I feel core activation, it's an aliveness like stored power in the belly. It's deeper than a "oh feel the burn" and more real and lasting. This place has actually changed the way I view my (flatter!) abs and how I engage them.

Layna Dakin: Hot 8 Yoga

I've been training to teach the Hot 8 Power Fusion classes, and I could not be more lucky. Southern California's warmth and lushness doesn't mandate heated yoga studios in the same way that the East Coast does. I remember winters when I spent the whole day just longing for that moment I stepped into the blessed heat.

How can I forget about the power of the heat? The heat detoxifies, increases our flexibility and brings us deeper into our practice. I remember Shiva's devotion that that sacred fire, heating practices. Many times we lose our fire, she said, through life changes or experiences...sometimes people's fires go out. But it's a precious thing to cherish and nourish.

The first few times I took Power Fusion, I experienced tremendous relief. Firstly, it's not Bikram. Although Hot 8 Yoga does hold traditional hot classes, the power fusion is a shoulder-friendly practice that combines the intensity and long holds of a hot class, with the flow of a vinyasa. It's the best of both worlds: intensity and fluidity. It's powerful, heating, difficult and detoxifying, but in my opinion, to a point of virtue not exhaustion. For this reason, I enjoyed the power fusion sequence in the morning.

I also particularly enjoyed Layna Dakin's style of teaching the class, smart, active and dedicated. Every motion a student makes in a Hot Power Fusion class is guided by Layna's gentle and inspirational suggestions. Knowledge comes in through every line. Watching her teach is an interesting experience itself. Her entire body leans in and participates with such intensity that you know she is one thousand percent present. This complete activation of the body is the concept present in the class, Layna always has a bit of advice of how to welcome in collarbones or fingertips into a movement. It's amazing how, in a fairly set structure, the individuality of a teacher's expression comes out fully through subtle cues.

Jamie Elmer

Jamie Elmer is a master teacher that travels the country and lives on a boat.

She's a real person; and this her life. I did not make her up.

She's developing a program called "Yoga for Cruisers", intended to ease the life of someone on a sailboat. I hope I'll have the opportunity to need these techniques very soon.

When I announced my intention, a few months ago, to teach yoga and therapy on a boat, David Rodwin put me in contact with Jamie Elmer via Facebook. She was incredibly sweet and open and shared her experience me.

Conveniently enough, she was visiting Los Angeles the very next week to teach at Exhale, so I went over to check out the magic.

Jamie carries her experience weightlessly, with an delightfully youthful air. It's much like someone waking up after a particularly inspiring and restful night, assuming she or he is a morning person to begin with. That's Jamie's vibe.

I took her class twice, and she has a creative, unique smart sequencing. I love a class I can come to and feel like I walked away with a handful of new techniques and tools.

Here's a list

-Hip openers on the back, gentle side to side rocking of the hip to awaken the joint. Wonderful way to inspire awakening without force. Love it.
-A reminder of the right way to adjust someone in a reclined twist. Instead of pushing the hip down, pull the hip that is draped across towards you to create more space in the practitioner's side body.
-Cat cow on the finger tips
-Simple movements like bringing the arms up and down in crescent lunge can be invigorating.
-I haven't come over to a wall in so long (okay, maybe a couple months). But it seems like something we did more at Down Under and in New York than in Los Angeles. Anyway, I learned if a group of people do anjaneyasana, everyone will make quite the pained face. Also, a bolster under the elbows can be a lifesaver. Also, it may be wise to practice this pose (like hanumanasana) with considerable more frequency than I do now. Since my current frequency is "rarely if ever", improvement seems inevitable.
-In horse pose, wrap the arms into eagle and twist side to side. Marvelous release.

But a few of the lovely lessons of the two days I got to take Jamie's class. Thank you, Jamie!

Garden! Part 1

I've wanted to plant a garden since November. It was my New Years Resolution. I set intentions, I hyped up my roommates, I set "gardening dates". January comes around, and no stone's been turned.

Here's the thing: I don't know anything about gardening. And that really bothers me. Knowledge is power, and freedom. My ignorance keeps me from being self-sustaining, and feeds my underlying anxiety of dependence to industrial food production, and even on external, albeit organic, food production. Since last year, I've made some improvements. I've cut some of my whole foods shopping sprees by subscribing to a CSA and bike down to the farmers markets after class on Sundays.

But I remember how powerful and independent I felt when I learned to cook. Learning to grow is the next step! Gardening seemed like such a new world, however, that with all my desire, I got overwhelmed.

Clearly, it was time to call in some professional help. So we called up Matt Van Diepen, owner of Urban Home Gardens in Mar Vista. Matt agreed to take up the task of taking out scraggly dirt lot into a thing of organic beauty.

Here are some "Pre" pictures of our backyard, that, despite the artistic glare, really aren't pretty. We've got an old chicken coop in our backyard. Lots of boards, stones, dirt but not the healthy kind, an old monitor....really. This actually isn't the real before picture- that would just be too much to look at. This shows how Matt segregated a section of our backyard essentially plowed it.





Here's stage 1. Matt comes over to our house.

Kimi and him plan out the backyard (I'm away at the moment). Kimi is attempting to plan out aesthetics, while Matt is calculating exactly where our backyard gets optimal sun. He segregates the area, tills the soil and gives us instructions on how to water it. The next days, he's over with shovels, pick axes, and a whole bunch of mulch on a rubber carpet.

Kimi, Kimi's brother Tommy, and I gather around and attempt to help, waiting for Matt's instructions on how to best approach the topic.

Matt throws the leaves into the central garden plot and shows us how to combine them with the existing soil. He divides up the ground using the boards and rocks in the area, and show us how, already, our soil is becoming more fertile. We have good land here, he says. We just have to dig it up.

Check out our escapades below;

Luna Love and Yoga Nidra

When I read Luna's writing, it was like a lifeline from a kindred spirit. She describes her experience with such vivid detail and intent reflection- it shows how she is a being of such great depth.

I told her that her writing was like that of war stories. Incredibly visceral and crucially contemplative in a way that recalls stories of WWII or Vietnam. Luna's is a very intense peace, and it is one I resonate with.

She held a yoga nidra workshop at Bhakti Yoga Shala. Yoga nidra is difficult to comment on- although I'll try- because one falls into a dreamlike state that isn't really accessible through language. Luna started us with a meditation, but quickly we found ourselves on our backs. At that point, she brought our awareness to each and every part of our bodies, one very slow step at a time. It's that practice of no escape- of having to focus on the left pinky toe relaxing, and then the next one, and so on....the idea being that there is nothing left behind.

And then you drift. For me, I travel into this ethereal zone where I occasionally visit a past or present experience, but mostly I drift off into what I'm very sorry to say is an indescribable state. Perhaps "wavering, black noise travel".

Luna, at this moment, perfectly embodied the yin aspect of selves, that desire to dive deep into our psyche, which a tremendously joyous and mysterious part of our existence. She led her workshop with grace, preparation and reverence for the process. Overall, much love.